- If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out
- Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
- A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
- No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes
- A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming
- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world
- It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat
25 things you should have learned by now:
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