25 things you should have learned by now:

  1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out
  2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often
  3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
  8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip
  11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good
  13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway
  14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it
  15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes
  16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand
  17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places
  18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming
  19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world
  25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat

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